I have been dancing since I was in 8th grade. Hip-hop/rap sucked me right in. First, Bone Thugs N Harmony then B.I.G, Puffy and Mase. I found out that I could move my feet and life would come out of my body. In my small bedroom where my queen size waterbed took up most of my room, I had to make due with the space that I had infront of my full sized mirror. There I found part of my personality and who I am. Its so easy. Dancing has become more like my 1st nature than 2nd nature. Its in my blood and flows to every part of my body. I let go and everything negative in my life flees.
Until I am infront of people in worship.
It is a task sometimes to let go infront of a group of people during worship. I can dance circles around people all day everyday if its just for dancing sake. In a battle I'm fine. I am also comfortable dancing around in random places. I used to dance at Vincenzos and finally got caught by Dennis (ha). When the resturant was empty on friday and sat nights around 10:30 and I was closing I would go in there and dance like no one was on the other side of the wall, or that people couldn't see me through our huge windows looking out onto the street. It feels like I can't do this during worship. At Bethel ... NOTHING is weird. So I thought I wouldn't have to deal with this anymore because I could be free. But no, it was still there.
Until Julie.
We went on retreat this week. We also had a dance party on tuesday night. Everyone jumping around, dancing, laughing hysterically because the joy of Jesus was heavy in the room (I mean people literally falling over and out of their chairs laughing hysterically). It was aweome. I havent laughed so much and so hard in the last 2 years as I did on retreat. Then I saw Julie. She is a 1st year student at Bethel and she is confined to a wheelchair but it hasn't always been that way. As everyone was laughing (including Julie) and dancing. I stopped and weeped. I weeped because right now she is not able to express her joy by dancing or even moving her arms and really, I dont even know if she would want to. The burden became great. So, I weeped and prayed that Jesus would call her out of her wheelchair so that she could dance with us. To walk, to do things she hasnt been able to do in I dont know how long. To jump around like every single one of us was doing.
When I was praying (I think I was actually begging) for Jesus to free her physical body all I could think about was dancing. The phrase "dance for justice" repeated over in my head for what seemed like 30 times. So in a prophetic act for the justice of Julie's body to be free, I danced. I danced and jumped around as hard as I could until my calves were completely burning. Jesus said, "dance for justice." In 2Samuel 6, David dances before the Lord with all his might.
So now, as a prophetic act, I dance for the justice of those who can't. I will dance with all I've got to give. Knowing in my heart I'm making a statement to the enemy that says, you will not win, Jesus is the victor, I dance for their justice.
Thursday, October 2, 2008
Monday, July 7, 2008
Getting what you really want
Some of us want certain things to be permanent. It really depends on what it is, since there are a gazillion (yeah thats the number i used) things that we want, desire, would like to see happen for our lives and others.
But what occurs inside some of us when the things they are desiring are actually starting to happen? Some of us stay and embrace what we have been waiting for. Some of us, like me, want to retreat. We can't close the deal. We are scared and afraid. And what for? More than likely (I know in my case), we are afraid of losing it. Of losing what we so desire for whatever reason. Of what is being handed to us from above to go arwy, get messed up, not work out without some sort of pain and hard work involved. We are in bondage, a salve to the fear of failing.
What if something we want and have desired is given to us, then taken away, however that may happen? That thing, whatever it is, comes crashing down right? We thought it was going to be so great, grand, and wonderful. And then in a heart beat ..... over, done, gone.
I'm not talking about seasons in life. I'm talking about embrasing the desires of your heart when they are actually given to you. Instead of running in fear of it being great, grand, and wonderful just to be let down in the end.
trust and betryal.
Thats what it comes down to. We were made to live in a trusting and secure environment.... check out the garden of eden (from where we are a far far, terribly far cry). But look what we are surrounded with. Brokeness.
AROUND US there are obscene amounts of brokeness.
but IN US .... Christ, the hope of glory. Let's get what is in, out and back in again.
But what occurs inside some of us when the things they are desiring are actually starting to happen? Some of us stay and embrace what we have been waiting for. Some of us, like me, want to retreat. We can't close the deal. We are scared and afraid. And what for? More than likely (I know in my case), we are afraid of losing it. Of losing what we so desire for whatever reason. Of what is being handed to us from above to go arwy, get messed up, not work out without some sort of pain and hard work involved. We are in bondage, a salve to the fear of failing.
What if something we want and have desired is given to us, then taken away, however that may happen? That thing, whatever it is, comes crashing down right? We thought it was going to be so great, grand, and wonderful. And then in a heart beat ..... over, done, gone.
I'm not talking about seasons in life. I'm talking about embrasing the desires of your heart when they are actually given to you. Instead of running in fear of it being great, grand, and wonderful just to be let down in the end.
trust and betryal.
Thats what it comes down to. We were made to live in a trusting and secure environment.... check out the garden of eden (from where we are a far far, terribly far cry). But look what we are surrounded with. Brokeness.
AROUND US there are obscene amounts of brokeness.
but IN US .... Christ, the hope of glory. Let's get what is in, out and back in again.
Monday, May 12, 2008
the kingdom belongs to the children
I love people, at all different ages. I like to know how old someone is exactly instead of grouping their age, not sure why, I just do. But I see that I often, maybe like most people, see age groups (seasons) instead of individual ages. I particularly love the season I am now. I have learned so much just by watching others that have gone before me. I have learned what to do and what not to do. Paying attention to every move of every mentor I have ever had, although pretty much all of them have been for a very short time. But the other day, I realized there is an age group that could quite possibly beat them all.
I love working as a server. You get to interact with people of all ages and seasons in life. From the older couple who comes in and spends an hour at dinner because they are there to have a night out together and enjoy each others company, to young adults who eat and run leaving little time for conversation. Then you have the little kids who ask for about 6 chocolate milks that you have to make for them with slight annoyance but then you give it to them and it makes it worth it.
She walked in right infront of her mother as her father opened the door for the both of them. This young Asian couple following their joyful cute daughter of about 3 or 4 years old wearing little gold thong sandals, a cute little jean skirt, a cute frilly top with her long black hair half braided into our resturant. We could not stop looking at her telling eachother how freaking cute she was. Ellen was lucky and got to serve them. But I'm learing to find the kingdom in the little children, so I meandered about the dining room cleaning off my table right next to thiers, paying attention to her how she acted and interacted with her parents.
As I was cleaning my table off she looked at me with the cutest smile I have ever seen and a giggle that instantly made me want one just like her! I raised my eye brows and opened my mouth wide as I gave her a little wave (I love doing this to kids b/c it totally opens them up to you because a fun faces are a great communication tool ... you should try it sometime and watch what happens). Anyway, she waves right back with out hesitation. So I waved right back and then she started to play peek-a-boo. Acting suprised as she removed her hands from her little eyes sent her into the cutest giggle mode I have seen in the longest. We played for about a good 3-4 minutes and then her love broke through. She started blowing kisses.
I love children. This pure, unadulterated child love shown through her like the bright sun through the clouds. She had no idea who I was, yet she played peek-a-boo with me and blew me kisses. How wonderful it is to become like a child. To love a stranger without wanting anything in return. To be dependent on a parent to even eat the spaghetti infront of you without slopping it on yourself as you stand on your highchair leaning over the table for a good bite. To laugh and laugh and laugh at a simple funny faces because you do not have an anxiety in the world that is holding your joy back. To walk out of a resturant not even knowing, because you are a small child, that you totally impacted someone just because you are being the tender age that you are.
The kingdom was wrapped up in her life, and I got a small glimpse of it. She was fully dependent on her parents, the joy she had and the laugher she shared, the trust that she knowlingly or unknowingly had as she realized I was playing around with her since I was a complete stranger, and the pure love that she freely gave to someone she had never met was a wonderful experience of His kingdom. No wonder when Jesus talks about the kingdom He talks about children .....
Matthew 18:3
And he said: "I tell you the truth, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven."
Matthew 19:14
Jesus said, "Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these."
Comparing what I saw in that little girl to what I am .... woah. I have quite the ways to go. And what happens to us as we get older? We get tainted by the world and hurt by ones who are susposed to keep us as children. But then what does Jesus do? He messes us up! and makes us like children again, as we yield to His spirit to flood every aspect of our lives. He shows us our disparity and how much we need Him and His spirit to come and clean all of that mess up, to make us like little children. Ha, its like He calls us His children and then somehow makes us grow down in age, acting like chidren again. Being 100% dependent on His spirit or sometimes it may feel like we might die with out it and when we get it, makes us completely and ridiculously joyful that quite possibly may make a lot of things funny b/c of our realization of His greatness and our smallness. Then the love indwelt by the spirit draws us to trust and follow. No wonder Jesus says in order to receive the kingdom, we must become like little children and maybe that's why I love them. His is in that. He is there. He is trying to show us how we need to be. Through little people and their cute little smiles.
I love working as a server. You get to interact with people of all ages and seasons in life. From the older couple who comes in and spends an hour at dinner because they are there to have a night out together and enjoy each others company, to young adults who eat and run leaving little time for conversation. Then you have the little kids who ask for about 6 chocolate milks that you have to make for them with slight annoyance but then you give it to them and it makes it worth it.
She walked in right infront of her mother as her father opened the door for the both of them. This young Asian couple following their joyful cute daughter of about 3 or 4 years old wearing little gold thong sandals, a cute little jean skirt, a cute frilly top with her long black hair half braided into our resturant. We could not stop looking at her telling eachother how freaking cute she was. Ellen was lucky and got to serve them. But I'm learing to find the kingdom in the little children, so I meandered about the dining room cleaning off my table right next to thiers, paying attention to her how she acted and interacted with her parents.
As I was cleaning my table off she looked at me with the cutest smile I have ever seen and a giggle that instantly made me want one just like her! I raised my eye brows and opened my mouth wide as I gave her a little wave (I love doing this to kids b/c it totally opens them up to you because a fun faces are a great communication tool ... you should try it sometime and watch what happens). Anyway, she waves right back with out hesitation. So I waved right back and then she started to play peek-a-boo. Acting suprised as she removed her hands from her little eyes sent her into the cutest giggle mode I have seen in the longest. We played for about a good 3-4 minutes and then her love broke through. She started blowing kisses.
I love children. This pure, unadulterated child love shown through her like the bright sun through the clouds. She had no idea who I was, yet she played peek-a-boo with me and blew me kisses. How wonderful it is to become like a child. To love a stranger without wanting anything in return. To be dependent on a parent to even eat the spaghetti infront of you without slopping it on yourself as you stand on your highchair leaning over the table for a good bite. To laugh and laugh and laugh at a simple funny faces because you do not have an anxiety in the world that is holding your joy back. To walk out of a resturant not even knowing, because you are a small child, that you totally impacted someone just because you are being the tender age that you are.
The kingdom was wrapped up in her life, and I got a small glimpse of it. She was fully dependent on her parents, the joy she had and the laugher she shared, the trust that she knowlingly or unknowingly had as she realized I was playing around with her since I was a complete stranger, and the pure love that she freely gave to someone she had never met was a wonderful experience of His kingdom. No wonder when Jesus talks about the kingdom He talks about children .....
Matthew 18:3
And he said: "I tell you the truth, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven."
Matthew 19:14
Jesus said, "Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these."
Comparing what I saw in that little girl to what I am .... woah. I have quite the ways to go. And what happens to us as we get older? We get tainted by the world and hurt by ones who are susposed to keep us as children. But then what does Jesus do? He messes us up! and makes us like children again, as we yield to His spirit to flood every aspect of our lives. He shows us our disparity and how much we need Him and His spirit to come and clean all of that mess up, to make us like little children. Ha, its like He calls us His children and then somehow makes us grow down in age, acting like chidren again. Being 100% dependent on His spirit or sometimes it may feel like we might die with out it and when we get it, makes us completely and ridiculously joyful that quite possibly may make a lot of things funny b/c of our realization of His greatness and our smallness. Then the love indwelt by the spirit draws us to trust and follow. No wonder Jesus says in order to receive the kingdom, we must become like little children and maybe that's why I love them. His is in that. He is there. He is trying to show us how we need to be. Through little people and their cute little smiles.
Sunday, March 9, 2008
Following Jesus, means going there.
Jesus is saying, "Let me take you there, Katrina." That's frightening when you hear that and He is addressing issues of your heart. But that is His heart. He is whole, lacking absolutely nothing. As followers of Jesus, we are to/do mirror Him with the stipulation that we are following. We can only do this by being changed from our fallen character into His character. We can only do that by following. If you have prayed any prayer that involves being used by Him, wanting to mirror Him or even having people only see Him when they look at you; He will be in relentless pursuit of making you whole. That is a heavy (for us) and pursuable prayer for the God who wants, will get, and deserves every single ounce of glory. His glory is found by me, by you, going there. Going deep to the places that scare you, possibly even terrify you and letting Him dwell there. He's saying "All that 'comfort' you find in the pain Katrina, will keep you from radiating my glory even more than you do." That, for me, is quite the heavy word from my Daddy. I mean who doesnt want to radiate more of the glory of God, after you have tasted and seen? So following Jesus, means going there. And its going to hurt and I'm going to have to sit and listen for His voice. My decisions are going to have to change. My reactions to the issues of my heart are going to have to be different and will probablly be really uncomfortable, because I am letting go of control. Letting go of my adgenda (my contolling of the situation), of how I will react to the pain that I feel on the inside because of issues of my heart.
Matthew 16:24,25 says "Then Jesus said to his disciples, "If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will find it." Yes, this was after Jesus told Satan to get behind Him because Peter (of course, oh Peter) tried to tell Jesus that essentially His adgenda was wrong and that going to the cross to die was not what a King should be doing. If I want to be a disciple and walk in the light, I must follow. WHEREVER Jesus is leading. I can't pick and choose, its not my option. His option is the only way. We must go there when He leads.
Jesus, don't allow me (and all of your followers) to run after the things that will put a band-aid on the issues of my heart for a short moment, just to fall off in a short time, leaving the wound open and not healed by you. Do whatever you must, to make my heart free and whole, showing the world that your healing is real and attainable. Take me deeper into your heart to unchain the lies that bind. Set my heart free to love you and love others more.
Matthew 16:24,25 says "Then Jesus said to his disciples, "If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will find it." Yes, this was after Jesus told Satan to get behind Him because Peter (of course, oh Peter) tried to tell Jesus that essentially His adgenda was wrong and that going to the cross to die was not what a King should be doing. If I want to be a disciple and walk in the light, I must follow. WHEREVER Jesus is leading. I can't pick and choose, its not my option. His option is the only way. We must go there when He leads.
Jesus, don't allow me (and all of your followers) to run after the things that will put a band-aid on the issues of my heart for a short moment, just to fall off in a short time, leaving the wound open and not healed by you. Do whatever you must, to make my heart free and whole, showing the world that your healing is real and attainable. Take me deeper into your heart to unchain the lies that bind. Set my heart free to love you and love others more.
Wednesday, January 23, 2008
Jesus' heart is soft.
I'm angry. Quite frankly I could punch my hand through something and not care how hard it would hurt. It doesn't sound righteous, but it is. Its a righteous anger. An anger that says "I refuse to live on this earth and not cry out and then see with my own eyes God give justice." It's that kind of anger. An anger that cries for justice, reaching the very heart of the holy King.
I just got done with my global health policy class for the evening. We watched a video about HIV/AIDS around the world. KC, Africa, Ukraine, Hati and India. Whole entire families have AIDS in Africa. Some parents have HIV then die and then the eldest child, in this instance a 15 year old boy with 3 sibblings turns into the caregiver. In India the pressure to give your husband a child is so high that when the mother of the husband starts pushing the wife to concieve (when both the husband and wife know that he is HIV positive but are using condoms to prevent the spread) the wife gives in to the wishes of the husbands parents and then they get pregnant. Then she gets HIV and passes it on to the baby.
It showed people in the Ukraine injecting heroin. A woman and a man. The whole young adult generation over there thinks their lives are hopeless and they don't have jobs so about 40% of them shoot up heroin. HIV/AIDS is running ramped. Then some chick in my class was all like "ewe, thats so gross." I got really mad at that that comment. Like angry. All I could think about was how could she think that way? How could she think, "ewe" when clearly there is hurt, pain, people yearing for fulfillment. Then after I got pissed. I thought what a stone cold heart she has. Then I thought, what a cold heart I have. I looked right at her and thought, I had no compassion on her. Yet, I had compassion for the people I had never met. This chick is in my major so I have talked with her a bit before in other classes. Then I was like dang, sorry Jesus, change my heart for EVERYONE. Not just the people who are in horrible living situations, but everyone. Because without Jesus, we are all in a horrible situation.
Proverbs 29:7
"The righteous care about justice for the poor, but the wicked have no such concern."
Psalm 11:7
"For the LORD is righteous, he loves justice; upright men will see his face."
Psalm 33:5
"The LORD loves righteousness and justice; the earth is full of his unfailing love."
Psalm 45:6
"Your throne, O God, will last for ever and ever; a scepter of justice will be the scepter of your kingdom."
Psalm 89:14
"Righteousness and justice are the foundation of your throne; love and faithfulness go before you."
Psalm 103:6
"The LORD works righteousness and justice for all the oppressed."
Psalm 140:12
"I know that the LORD secures justice for the poor and upholds the cause of the needy."
I just got done with my global health policy class for the evening. We watched a video about HIV/AIDS around the world. KC, Africa, Ukraine, Hati and India. Whole entire families have AIDS in Africa. Some parents have HIV then die and then the eldest child, in this instance a 15 year old boy with 3 sibblings turns into the caregiver. In India the pressure to give your husband a child is so high that when the mother of the husband starts pushing the wife to concieve (when both the husband and wife know that he is HIV positive but are using condoms to prevent the spread) the wife gives in to the wishes of the husbands parents and then they get pregnant. Then she gets HIV and passes it on to the baby.
It showed people in the Ukraine injecting heroin. A woman and a man. The whole young adult generation over there thinks their lives are hopeless and they don't have jobs so about 40% of them shoot up heroin. HIV/AIDS is running ramped. Then some chick in my class was all like "ewe, thats so gross." I got really mad at that that comment. Like angry. All I could think about was how could she think that way? How could she think, "ewe" when clearly there is hurt, pain, people yearing for fulfillment. Then after I got pissed. I thought what a stone cold heart she has. Then I thought, what a cold heart I have. I looked right at her and thought, I had no compassion on her. Yet, I had compassion for the people I had never met. This chick is in my major so I have talked with her a bit before in other classes. Then I was like dang, sorry Jesus, change my heart for EVERYONE. Not just the people who are in horrible living situations, but everyone. Because without Jesus, we are all in a horrible situation.
Proverbs 29:7
"The righteous care about justice for the poor, but the wicked have no such concern."
Psalm 11:7
"For the LORD is righteous, he loves justice; upright men will see his face."
Psalm 33:5
"The LORD loves righteousness and justice; the earth is full of his unfailing love."
Psalm 45:6
"Your throne, O God, will last for ever and ever; a scepter of justice will be the scepter of your kingdom."
Psalm 89:14
"Righteousness and justice are the foundation of your throne; love and faithfulness go before you."
Psalm 103:6
"The LORD works righteousness and justice for all the oppressed."
Psalm 140:12
"I know that the LORD secures justice for the poor and upholds the cause of the needy."
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